What sets in cannot be described- life stripped from me piece by piece until now I have myself become a five and a half minute hallway though not even that, more like a 22 year hallway, full of darkness and cold and fear and rage and roars and sounds that cannot be described but the corridors turn and turn with seemingly no end but there is a window! Only no window at all, just an illusion, did I put it there? I don't know how I got here. I cannot sleep for fear of the nightmares but I must sleep to get out of the nightmare, but not a nightmare, just life, but I cannot wake up, this never ends, I can't escape this massacre I am constantly running and running and morning comes to provide relief but it's not relief, just the beginning of a new nightmare and I know it will never end, the wind rushes over me, not wind but wind, like a clock, the seconds ticking off my life that isn't really life at all. Zampano had it good, did he know that? No cats even appear to provide me companionship, nothing rubs against my legs as I pace in the middle of the night, fighting off sleep, afraid of what it will bring, just the darkness and blackness and fear, real tangible fear enveloping me until I fear it will swallow me whole, hope it will to put an end to all of this, only it doesn't, it leaves me there, crippled, with visible scars and there are not even any cats to see me through this. I board the windows of my soul- sole? sola? Solarium? No solarium- no warmth- no sunlight- I shut the door only that doesn't keep out the monster. What is my monster? It comes closer and closer only I cannot see it it's dark and cold but I can feel its breath but not breath at all, just terror, the climb has killed me long before the fall. No more trying to find a way back, trying to navigate the hallways, I will die in this 22 year hallway, not knowing if I created it, if I consciously got myself into this mess, if anyone is even looking for me. It doesn't matter. JT had his guns, his mom's locket... Navidson had his wife's love and Zampano had the cats but I have nothing and so I know I cannot escape even if I wanted to. All my fears fall on deaf ears tonight- the darkness swallows them and so I wait... for something. Something I don't even know.

balloons and things

They are reminders of things past: of parties, of celebrations, of love, of better days. The height of their existence lasts but a moment, and then they linger but never really die. They are always there as a reminder of what was, what you once had, and what you can never have again. If they could just disappear, maybe that would make everything better. The memories are what will kill a person, but they can never just disappear. They can fade, but they will always be there. Just like the balloons. To remind you of better days, of what you had, and what you will never have again.

moving on

After four years of desperately wanting to leave this place, I find myself entering a state of melancholy after walking across the stage and accepting my diploma. What is next? Where do I go from here? I will never be an undergraduate again. I am growing up, and I have mixed feelings about this. How am I supposed to feel? This is all wrong. I was supposed to be happy, joyful, ready to move on, ready to get away from here. I never was able to call South Carolina home- isn't this the moment I have always hoped for?

So why am I so melancholy?